Emoto the Miracle Man- turning water into fine wine dining...




So, Dr. Emoto is coming to Glastonbury on the 18th of November, bringing water revelations with him to share with eager Glastafarians. And revealings of such truths never come cheap. For £20, he will show you slides of pretty, love influenced snowfakes, sorry, my bad... snowflakes and sell you books, CDs, DVDs and bottles of magic water*. This is the man who has gained a wonderfully official sounding 'Dr.' title from the Open International University of Alternative Medicine in India. I kid you not. The man who believes that the ice crystals he photographs are actually spirits and that we came to this world in giant spheres of ice. That taking many photographs of crystals then choosing the one that most agrees with his idea, (that ice crystals, and by extension, water, can be affected on a molecular level by intent) is scientific. It's really, really not. Emoto is indeed a fascinating character.


*He was, on his website, until recently, selling something he calls Indigo water- a small bottle of 'highly charged hexagonally structured water' for $35 a pop. Which is water, charged with happy thoughts and which can 'super-hydrate someone better than normal water' because it's hexagonally structured. Um, yes... no surprise there then. I was going to remove a description of him as a consummate fraud and a fool as I felt I was being unduly harsh and he's probably a nice bloke but I think after seeing this sales pitch, I'll let it stand.


Here's an interesting yet scary link... "Conscious Water Crystals: The Power of Prayer Made Visible"  


The shape and complexity of ice crystals are directly linked to temperature and humidity as water vapour freezes. Also, water with a high particulate content will form crystals more readily than distilled water as the forming crystals are essentially seeded by the little bits of dust and matter. 
High humidity gives a complex six spiked star shape, low humidity, a simple hexagon. The same goes for temperature, as, according to the Caltech website, ice crystals form stars and plates at -2 C , giving way to columns and needles at around -5 C. These in turn give way to the hexagonal stars and plates again at around -15 C, then by -30 C we have a combination of columns and plates. That's the science but way back at Woo Central, Dr. Emoto is still immune to sense, logic or reasoning ability. 


And, existentially, just how are we supposed to measure or define 'Anger' or 'Love', as it hurtles its way towards the jar of unsuspecting water? These are anything but objective feelings and so can't be quantified. Emoto manages it though. Curiously, he can't replicate the shape of any ice crystal even though he might direct 'Ennui' three times at different water vessels. Aren't snowflakes supposed to be renowned for all being unique? Hmmm? Eh? (I'm trying to get his attention by poking him with an icicle.)
And he's discovered that writing words on a piece of paper and sticking it to the outside of the glass works too. When the water evaporates, the evil intent behind the phrase, 'I hate you,' makes the ice form into columns, needles and irregular shapes, while the loving intent of 'I love you,' makes the regular, aesthetically pleasing shapes that the esteemed doctor has decided are therefore good. 
The trouble is, as the water vapour cools down through the temperatures, guess what happens? Any vapour forming solidly below -4 C on the inside of each maligned glass jar doesn't become a beautiful star, but an ugly, evil intent filled columnar ice crystal mass and so on down the range. This can lead to difficulties if you're aiming for a beautiful rainbow crystal of care, joy or peace. 
In reality, any photographs taken can easily show a full range of ice formations. One can find the irregular shapes and the star shapes and everything in between and its only when that old daftie Emoto chooses his favourite one that books can be written, sales can be rung through and gullibility proved to be ever increasingly popular. 


So, on the 18th of November, I'll hopefully be there, pouring my negatively charged water of disbelief onto the credulous fire of righteous New Agers. Or maybe I'll just charge their drinking water with a healthy dose of incredulity and sit back and enjoy the show. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


For those interested, here's another interesting article from a retired chemistry professor http://www.chem1.com/CQ/clusqk.html

Extras, Extras, Extras

This is a silly list I cribbed/lifted wholesale from my book, The Heretics Guide to Vegan Cookery. It's a piss-take of some of the worst things in the New Age 'paradigm' that can be found around Glastonbury, in the South West of England. 
Just out of interest, here's a view from the other side, so to speak! http://www.thenewageblog.com/topic/new-age/




Crystal skeleton workshops. Crystal skull workshops are now so common, it’s time to find the rest of the bits. Aren’t they special and energetic too? A New Age Olduvai Gorge is needed.

Descended Masters workshop and oracle cards. Explore your dark side in three weekend courses or privately see the black unfolding of your life through insights from your own pack. Moses is the only Master to feature in both the Ascended and Descended Masters packs due first to allegedly rescuing the Jews from Egypt (good), then happily murdering thousands of other Bronze-age people because a Voice in his head told him to. (Really not good.)

Silencing your Inner Child with Spiritual Smacking workshop.

Affirmation clock. This limited edition Grandfather clock harnesses the power of dowsing to tell you yes, yes, yes with every tick and tock of its regular, individually hand-balanced pendulum. Also includes an extra hourly cuckoo feature. Remember, the time is always now to be wonderful.

Trusting your Inner Voice survivors group.

Water has a memory. Now, new super-potentised water offers up to 2 gigabytes of optimised memory for the next generation of homeopathic solutions. A water world at your fingertips.

Games for gurus to play when drunk on spirit.

1)   ‘The Measure of a Man.’ Each guru creates the biggest manifestation he can, then measures it. The biggest wins.

2)   ‘The Only Way is Up.’ Who can get to the Godhead first? Last one’s a false Messiah.

3)   Guru Top Trumps. Sai Baba and Krishnamurti are even Stevens with ‘Best Hair’.

The Maitreya, World Teacher™ has only got one follower so you don’t want that one in your hand. He is the worst card in the deck.

If Jesus comes up against John de Ruiter, then on ‘Longevity’ and ‘Using Charisma to Get Girls’, John de Ruiter soundly trumps Jesus. Both tie on ‘Being God’, and ‘Having Long Hair and a Beard’, but Jesus trumps John on pretty much everything else. Overall, the Original Messiah is still the best card in the deck.

Once a hundred people learn to be brain surgeons, then through the power of morphic resonance, it becomes really easy and everyone can do it. This amazing force can be applied to anything new and potentially difficult.

One of the best kept secrets is out! Now you can create your very own orbs instantly with Orbro Magic Dust™. With just a pinch of Orbro Magic Dust™ and a flash-enabled digital camera*, you can surround yourself with spirits and fairies whenever you like. Amaze and impress your New Age friends. Hours of orbtastic fun for all. Only £27.99.

*Digital camera not included.

If your child plays with their food, and you’ve already carefully placed food in the correct auspicious places on the plate, consider using Arnold Wang Plate Dividers® to make sure it stays where you put it. Used by Feng Shui family experts the world over, these food-grade plastic dividers retail at only $30 each. (Handling, postage and/or shipping charges apply.)

No more negativity. Divide and conquer with Arnold Wang.

The Intestine Prophesy. Discover the nine secret steps the ancients knew and maybe one day you too will be empowered and achieve the perfect stool.

The Hundred Year point was discovered accidentally by Princess Aurora in 1536, when she pricked her finger while spinning wool. This anaesthetising acupuncture point is one of the most potent of all points and so must be used with caution.

Self help books. How to steal from people without being caught.

Attract druids into your garden with a Metheglin Druid Feeder®. Spot common druids like the red ovate, the hooded bard and the merlin, or rare migrant druids such as the Gaulish veledas or the mistle-toed Delphi pythia. If you’re very lucky, they might even form a Grove in your garden.  

As you speed towards enlightenment, make any necessary changes smoothly with The Paradigm Automatic Gear Shift™.