Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Extras, Extras, Extras

This is a silly list I cribbed/lifted wholesale from my book, The Heretics Guide to Vegan Cookery. It's a piss-take of some of the worst things in the New Age 'paradigm' that can be found around Glastonbury, in the South West of England. 
Just out of interest, here's a view from the other side, so to speak! http://www.thenewageblog.com/topic/new-age/

Crystal skeleton workshops. Crystal skull workshops are now so common, it’s time to find the rest of the bits. Aren’t they special and energetic too? A New Age Olduvai Gorge is needed.

Descended Masters workshop and oracle cards. Explore your dark side in three weekend courses or privately see the black unfolding of your life through insights from your own pack. Moses is the only Master to feature in both the Ascended and Descended Masters packs due first to allegedly rescuing the Jews from Egypt (good), then happily murdering thousands of other Bronze-age people because a Voice in his head told him to. (Really not good.)

Silencing your Inner Child with Spiritual Smacking workshop.

Affirmation clock. This limited edition Grandfather clock harnesses the power of dowsing to tell you yes, yes, yes with every tick and tock of its regular, individually hand-balanced pendulum. Also includes an extra hourly cuckoo feature. Remember, the time is always now to be wonderful.

Trusting your Inner Voice survivors group.

Water has a memory. Now, new super-potentised water offers up to 2 gigabytes of optimised memory for the next generation of homeopathic solutions. A water world at your fingertips.

Games for gurus to play when drunk on spirit.
1)   The Measure of a Man.’ Each guru creates the biggest manifestation he can, then measures it. The biggest wins.
2)   The Only Way is Up.’ Who can get to the Godhead first? Last one’s a false Messiah.
3)   Guru Top Trumps. Sai Baba and Krishnamurti are even Stevens with ‘Best Hair’.
The Maitreya, World Teacher™ has only got one follower so you don’t want that one in your hand. He is the worst card in the deck.
If Jesus comes up against John de Ruiter, then on ‘Longevity’ and ‘Using Charisma to Get Girls’, John de Ruiter soundly trumps Jesus. Both tie on ‘Being God’, and ‘Having Long Hair and a Beard’, but Jesus trumps John on pretty much everything else. Overall, the Original Messiah is still the best card in the deck.

Once a hundred people learn to be brain surgeons, then through the power of morphic resonance, it becomes really easy and everyone can do it. This amazing force can be applied to anything new and potentially difficult.

One of the best kept secrets is out! Now you can create your very own orbs instantly with Orbro Magic Dust™. With just a pinch of Orbro Magic Dust™ and a flash-enabled digital camera*, you can surround yourself with spirits and fairies whenever you like. Amaze and impress your New Age friends. Hours of orbtastic fun for all. Only £27.99.
*Digital camera not included.

If your child plays with their food, and you’ve already carefully placed food in the correct auspicious places on the plate, consider using Arnold Wang Plate Dividers® to make sure it stays where you put it. Used by Feng Shui family experts the world over, these food-grade plastic dividers retail at only $30 each. (Handling, postage and/or shipping charges apply.)
No more negativity. Divide and conquer with Arnold Wang.

The Intestine Prophesy. Discover the nine secret steps the ancients knew and maybe one day you too will be empowered and achieve the perfect stool.

The Hundred Year point was discovered accidentally by Princess Aurora in 1536, when she pricked her finger while spinning wool. This anaesthetising acupuncture point is one of the most potent of all points and so must be used with caution.

Self help books. How to steal from people without being caught.

Attract druids into your garden with a Metheglin Druid Feeder®. Spot common druids like the red ovate, the hooded bard and the merlin, or rare migrant druids such as the Gaulish veledas or the mistle-toed Delphi pythia. If you’re very lucky, they might even form a Grove in your garden.  

As you speed towards enlightenment, make any necessary changes smoothly with The Paradigm Automatic Gear Shift™. 

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